Compassion by definition is sympathetic consciousness of distress together with a desire to alleviate it. Self-compassion is turning towards yourself with concern and a desire to do something to alleviate your own distress.

When I think about compassion, I think about it as an intervention that targets a secondary process that’s very common in anxiety, OCD, and depression. I want to emphasize that we’re not just talking about the sort of formal compassion practice done while sitting on a cushion, although formal compassion practices are also great.

The secondary process that keeps you stuck is shame and self-criticism. As you start to learn more about how emotional disorders operate, you might be thinking, Well, I theoretically understand how this operates. Why does my distress keep coming back? If your why? is very critical and brings up the feeling of shame (e.g., because I’m truly a horrible person), then it might be difficult to observe and stay with what’s happening long enough to not do anything to avoid it or to reinforce it.

Compassion is a skill anyone can learn. It can help you stay with the process of whatever’s happening. Regardless of what you know, anxious sensations, intrusive thoughts, or a low mood can show up at any time. Just having information about what’s happening doesn’t mean it’s not going to happen. In any given moment, having a compassionate stance that allows your mind to observe what’s happening is going to help you get through it faster. And that doesn’t mean that the sensations, the thoughts, and the mood are necessarily going to go away. You’re just not going to do something that reinforces them.

When it comes to relating effectively to emotions, turning towards your experience means observing that experience mindfully — floating through it mindfully — and not doing something to make it worse. You don’t have to be particularly warm and fuzzy about this. Just notice what’s happening, don’t criticize yourself, and don’t add anything that will make it worse.

It takes humility and courage to accurately assess where you are and commit to the next step.

If you feel intense anxiety getting out of your house, the idea of obtaining and committing to a job on a daily basis might seem beyond what’s possible for you. If you feel intense anxiety sending an introductory text message to a potential romantic partner, the ongoing vulnerability required to sustain a long-term relationship might seem overwhelming.

Thinking about this, many people get so discouraged that they lose motivation to take the next step. It’s important to see this as part of your anxiety disorder.

Anxiety and his allies, self-criticism and depression, will tell you:

What you’re currently doing isn’t good enough. This shouldn’t be hard for you. You shouldn’t have to practice this. You’ll never get where you want to be.

You need to be ready for this type of message and say back to it:

Every time I identify, label, and allow an uncomfortable thought, feeling, or sensation, you get less power. What I’m practicing is a new process; it’s not about my outcome in any given moment. It’s okay that this is where I am and what I have to do. My fear circuitry has become conditioned by associations that don’t make rational sense. For whatever reason, other people’s fear circuitry has different associations than I have. The only way I’ll get to where I want to be is to gradually change these associations.

If it’s difficult to muster the compassion, humility, and courage to set small, achievable goals on your way to overcoming your anxiety disorder, consider how you would teach a child how to read.

The child may really want to start reading a novel, but if he doesn’t know his letters, he can’t just jump into a text like that one. He also might not completely understand how identifying letters is the beginning of a more complex process of combining letters to make sounds, combining sounds to make words, combining words to make sentences, and combining sentences to make stories that convey ideas and make meaning. You know that.

So, you’re likely to be very patient with the child, encouraging him to start with the first step, continue to practice, reminding him that eventually he will be able to read.

You wouldn’t criticize the child if he isn’t making progress fast enough, because there is no pace that is right for everything, and you know that pressuring him to try to be someone he isn’t won’t help him read faster. If you saw him struggling, you’d make it “easier,” meaning that you’d break it into a smaller component. You wouldn’t make it easier because you don’t believe in him. You’d make it easier, because you understand that he has to master the smaller components before he can master the more complex process. Reading is also a skill to be mastered, meaning that having greater motivation will increase his skill-based acquisition. As a good teacher, you’d work to keep him motivated, because staying motivated is part of the process of learning to read.

Can you see the comparison to overcoming an emotional disorder?

Your emotional disorder was created, intensified, and maintained by a cycle of fear, resistance, and avoidance of your thoughts, feelings, and sensations.

The skills you need to step out of this cycle are the opposite of what you’ve tried so far:

In the past, you have minimized, disregarded, and avoided your thoughts, sensations, and feelings.

Now, you’ll be identifying, labeling, inviting, and even provoking more thoughts, sensations, and feelings. This identifying and labeling process is like learning the alphabet of anxiety. Per the metaphor, you won’t be able to read — that is, do what you care about in the presence of anxiety with skill and grace — until you’ve practiced the basics over and over.

It’s important to do whatever it takes to stay motivated to take small steps. Self-compassion and humor are helpful strategies for staying motivated.

Your suffering isn’t just because of recurrent unwanted intrusive thoughts, chronic worry, a depressed mood, or another uncomfortable private experience. The interpretation that you shouldn’t have such an experience and that there is something bad, weak, or crazy about you for such experience creates, maintains, and intensifies your suffering too.

This type of self-criticism hurts. Perhaps it started as the voice of a critical parent or some other significant person. Sometimes you continue to receive criticism from that person and that hurts. Self-criticism, though, is you against you. The critical voice is no longer someone else’s. Now it is yours. You aren’t on your own team. The game isn’t fun and none of you is going to win.

You might criticize yourself as an attempt to control a thought or feeling that you don’t like. I suspect it “works” every once in a while, especially if by “working” you mean that you can avoid your thoughts and feelings to get relief from them for a short amount of time. It doesn’t work to alleviate suffering long-term for anyone ever. Trying to make thoughts go away will make them more likely. Suppressing feelings will make them bigger and stronger. Some people who avoid their thoughts and feelings don’t report having anxiety or depression, but they are just suffering differently.

Numbing out our undesirable thoughts and feelings also numbs out desirable feelings like joy, trust, connection, compassion, affection, playfulness, and creativity.

You might criticize yourself because you think the best way to learn is through criticism. This is just an old theory. Many of us were educated this way. It isn’t true. The best way to learn is to have the safety, time, space, and motivation to try. You have to feel safe to have the courage to put forth effort and risk “failing.” You don’t need criticism when you make a mistake while trying to learn. You just need enough safety to keep trying.

Consider thinking about self-compassion as an attitude where you are willing to stay with your experience and relate to it with openness and curiosity, rather than criticism.

Here some self-talk that will likely be helpful:

Replace: I shouldn’t feel this. Other people don’t feel this. Nothing bad happened that is so bad, so I shouldn’t feel so bad.

Say: Of course this is happening. Of course I suffer. I’m human and all humans suffer. Also, I knew this particular suffering was coming because I understand my anxiety, OCD, and mood. In the presence of a perceived threat, my mind has catastrophic thoughts that arrive with a spike of uncertainty. If I am not prepared for this, I will naturally brace against this feeling and perceived threat, and naturally, it will feel worse. Of course, this is happening to my mind because of my biological vulnerabilities. Of course, I naturally brace because this is uncomfortable. It takes a lot of self-awareness, understanding, and a good strategy to get through a moment like this without making it worse. I just got tricked in this moment, but I can learn from it. Here’s an opportunity for me to practice that strategy.

Replace: I’m such an idiot. Why did I do that? I always make that type of mistake. I’m never going to learn. This will have devastating consequences for me. I deserve to feel this because of what I did. I’m going to feel this forever.

Say: There is no failure. There is only data. I tried or am going to try that thing I care about. It will either go well or its exposure to thoughts and feelings that I am working to accept. Either way I learn and grow and that means I win. Even though this moment that seems like a mistake may have real consequences for me, I can still learn, grow, and change. I don’t have certainty that the way I respond now and then whatever comes next won’t be better than what I had before and that means I now have opportunity.

Replace: Why do I always feel this? There’s something deeply wrong with me that makes me different from others and no one else will ever understand.

Say: This is a good opportunity to observe and describe what’s happening within me. Because I’m a human and inherently part of the rest of the community of humans, nothing happens within me that never has or will happen to another human. It’s not that no one else will ever understand me, but rather that I currently don’t understand me. This is a hard moment, but if I turn towards myself right now, I have a chance at understanding myself and my suffering better. I might forget what I’m experiencing now when I’m not suffering, so now is the best time to observe and describe what’s happening.

Let’s elaborate on building a compassionate attitude towards the present moment.

While anxious, so many sufferers have critical thoughts like, I’m supposed to be mindful right now. I should be using my skills. I’m not doing this right. It makes everything worse.

If this is you, try cueing yourself with: My present moment is a gift I can offer myself right now, rather than a critical I must be mindful.

As long as you have your breath, your present moment is a gift. Your breath is always there with you. Even when it feels out of control, you can immediately bring it back into your control. If you’re willing to play, you can even hyperventilate on purpose. Your breath is your friend. It reminds you that you are alive.

The present moment is a gift even and especially when you feel anxious.

Here’s some self-talk to help you relate to the present moment as a gift:

When I can’t fall asleep or I wake up too early, my present moment is a gift: The memories I’m having are not presently occurring. The content of my worries has not yet occurred and may not occur. My sheets are comfy and my bed is warm. My heart is racing. I have a strong heart. My mind is running. My mind is clever. My arms and legs are tired and I’m giving my body the gift of rest. If I stay conscious, rest is a gift. If I fall out of consciousness, rest is also a gift. This present moment is a gift I’m giving myself.

When I’m anticipating a social experience, a work stressor, a flight or a fight, my present moment is a gift: My mind is out in front of my experience right now and it sure feels like a prediction and a threat. Predictions are possibilities, not probabilities, and the possibilities are endless. I can redirect my attention to what’s happening now… which is nothing… and surrender into it. My surrender is an attitude, not an outcome. I don’t need to test my surrender to see if I’m doing it right. It’s okay if I still feel uncertainty and anticipatory anxiety. I can give myself the gift of the surrender attitude, which is allowing whatever it is that is happening now.

When I’m in an OCD loop, my present moment is a gift: My mind wants to replay, to check, to reassure, to figure it out. It’s okay for me to have that urge. It’s okay for me to bring my thoughts along and my urges along to whatever I was planning on doing today. I might be in OCD Land. I might not. This experience might go away. It might not. Given that I don’t like OCD Land, the Land of Real Life is a gift. I can teleport there in a single breath. I can bring all of my thoughts, feelings, and sensations with me to the Land of Real Life too.

I can wait for tomorrow. As far as you know today, you have tomorrow. You have the chance to wind down, let go of whatever you are experiencing, fall asleep, and wake up in a new state. Tomorrow is different than today. Your brain and mind will be in a different state and you have the chance to respond differently to whatever shows up.

You might be too sensitized to make a good decision about relating to your anxiety, OCD, or depression well today. It's okay. Do you know what behaviors will make it worse when you are sensitized? Your goal when you are in it is to not make it worse and get to a state where you can respond effectively with a sense of efficaciousness, assertiveness, and hope.

There is a power in delay. Anxiety and OCD are urgent. They want you to respond immediately. Commit to delaying until tomorrow. No googling, no calling or texting for reassurance, no ruminating, no checking or counting. What else do you need to delay until tomorrow? Decide tomorrow if you want to do that same behavior. It feels like it will be stuck forever. Let's see if, when you delay today, it's still stuck tomorrow. It might be. You might have a different attitude towards it because you know that you made it through yesterday. If you made it through yesterday, you can probably make it through today. Every day, you can wait until tomorrow.

There is uncertainty about tomorrow and you have hope because you have uncertainty. Uncertainty could be a threat, but it also could be an opportunity. You don't know that tomorrow won't be better. You might not have the same thoughts. You might not feel as stuck. You might connect with someone in a way that makes you feel less lonely. Your hopelessness is always a feeling, not truth. Challenge your hopelessness by committing to tomorrow.

You can try formal compassionate practices to help yourself get to tomorrow. You can also just make the conditions likely for your body to fall asleep. Trust that since your body has always been able to fall asleep, you'll do it again tonight. Embrace the chance at tomorrow.

I'm always one moment from recovery. Shifting your relationship with anxiety, OCD, or another form of psychological suffering happens in moments. They are not life-altering moments. They are just effective moments. It's the moment that you notice that in the past you would have done one thing and now you are doing the opposite. Do that again. Do it a thousand times more. Then, you'll be good. If you feel stuck, you either don't understand what your options are or don't believe that attempting to do something different will actually be helpful to you. Or, both. It can take some time to understand your options, because avoidance can be very sneaky, you've probably been doing certain things for decades, or everybody else in your family does it too. You can't even tell that you could do something different. That's okay. I hope you're not stuck on the idea that taking helpful action towards doing something different won't work for you. That's not true. It just takes time and work. Rather than focusing on all the avoidances you have, focus on the next step and give yourself credit for it. Your self-talk is: This is my next step and it's my path towards recovery. I am always one moment from recovery when I'm on this path.

I'm always one moment from the present. Sometimes your exposure is redirecting your attention to the present moment. You might need to do an exposure and response prevention exercise towards the trigger that makes you feel anxious. That is, you might need to identify an anxiety-provoking situation, go towards it in some way, and surrender to the thoughts, feelings, and sensations you have while going towards it rather than doing something to make them stop. Great. Try that. Also, you might be trying really hard to use exposure to anxiety-provoking situations to make your anxiety go away. Wrong! Don't do that. That won't work. You'll get trapped in a paradox where the more you hope that you're doing something to make anxiety stop, the more anxious you will feel. A lot of the suffering that comes from emotional distress is not situational avoidance, but rather experiential avoidance. You're up in your head about who knows what, rather than in your life where there's messiness and vulnerability and the opportunity for connection. Come down into your life whenever you can. You're always a moment away from it. You can just try it for a second and then go right back into your mind if you need to.